My child doesn’t want to separate from me at school/daycare drop off
A child being clingy at drop off to school or daycare is normal and common but it can feel like you’re carrying the weight of an elephant on your chest after you walk out of the building alone after a terrible school/daycare drop off.
First let’s clear up some confusion. If your child is having a hard time being dropped off, it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you or them. Secondly, it doesn’t mean that your child is trying to give you a hard time, it means they are having a hard time.
In a nutshell attachment is an emotional bond with another person. Your child seeks attachment with you because they feel secure, safe and soothed in your presence.
From an attachment perspective, leaving your parents after a period of being at home with them can feel scary. They will resist it because it feels like a mini death. But a child won’t know how to say this so it will be expressed as resistance or fussiness or clinginess. It’s the same reason many children resist going to bed. It's letting go. Letting go of safety for the unknown, whether that is in their bed or the classroom door is actually quite a big deal. Reframing it this way can decrease our own frustration.
When a child is having a hard time being dropped off it's helpful to look at some foundational needs they may have like safety, connection and belonging.
Need for safety: This is closely related to attachment. Essentially, a sense of safety is knowing that our needs can be met, that our ideas are considered and we are seen by those around us. A child that is resistant to going to school may feel unseen. It can be helpful to talk with the teacher about your child’s individual interests and needs in the morning and could help the child to enter the group. Also consider if a child has sensory needs such as noise or light sensitivity. This can be a big reason children resist going into a classroom with many children. Is there a quiet corner or earmuffs that the child could wear? Can the lights be dimmed? Ask your child about the class room if they can talk. Is it too bright, too noisy, too cold, too hot? Then think or talk about how you might be able to make any adaptations. What part of the classroom is their favorite and why?
Need for connection: Children value human connection because their life/needs depend on it. They do not have the same level of independence and capabilities as adults-which means that they have an immense capacity for always seeking connection that many adults have dimmed. Children want to feel connected to the adults in charge as they are your “stand in” attachment figure while you are gone. If your child is having a hard time they might benefit from some 1:1 time with the teacher before or after drop off when the teacher can really be present with the child (and you). Maybe there is a special task that the teacher can give to the child to help the class, maybe the teacher can spend just a few minutes listening to or playing with your child which is going to do wonders for strengthening their connection.
Need for belonging: When children feel that they belong it helps them develop the ability to build trust and confidence in others. They experience belonging as a sense of wellbeing and freedom to move in and out of play. If your child is resisting going to school it can be helpful to look at this need for belonging as it relates to acceptance, respect and inclusion. In some cases the child could benefit from some coaching in friendship skills or talking directly with the teacher about social inclusion issues might be beneficial. If a beloved friend or friend(s) has moved out of the classroom it can be helpful to acknowledge that grief instead of just encouraging your child to make new friends. You can’t change it, but you can talk about it and find other ways to connect with that beloved friend outside of school. Even simply saying “your class feels different now doesn’t it?” Or “you’re missing your friends from last year. I know that’s hard.” Can help your child feel validated and give name to their sadness.
No matter what your morning looks like, chaotic or organized, it can be helpful to establish a routine for arriving at school. Children love routine and tiny rituals. It helps them recalibrate from any emotional turbulence, and goes a long way toward meeting their need for safety.
Here are some ways you can incorporate small rituals in your drop off.
Sing the same little song or rhyme as you unbuckle your child every day and get them out of the car for school.
Initiate holding their hand as you walk into the school/building.
Offer them a drink while you kneel at their level before saying goodbye.
Some children benefit from a transitional object.
If your classroom allows stuffed animals this can be a helpful bridge between home and school. The stuffed animal is a friendly and comforting object for the child.
A necklace of either the mother or father or one that you make for the child can be really helpful. I made a simple necklace for my daughter which I wear at night and then when we get to school I put it around her neck right before she is ready to go into the classroom. The child can touch it throughout the day if they miss you.
Agency matters
It can be especially hard for a shy or timid child to develop agency. A sense of agency is a foundational need for most toddlers and is at the heart of most behavioral struggles.
A child who has a hard time with words or social inclusion may benefit from developing a special signal with the teacher. With this option the child has another way to communicate with the adult and also has a special connection with them.
Connection points are stepping stones in attachment
Imagine crossing a stream safely by stepping on a nice stable safe stone before jumping to the other side. Well that’s what a connection point can feel like for your child.
If the child stays the whole day and eats lunch at school, you can put a little token of love into their lunch box. This doesn’t have to be complicated. A little paper heart, a little doodle of their favorite animal, a sticker on a card. Then at that time of the day they are reminded that your love is always with them.
Parting words
Validate the child’s feelings/emotions. As tempting as it is, don’t try to convince them of how they feel. Reflect what they are saying/or what you observe in their behavior: I know it's hard to leave home. You wish you could stay with me all day. You don’t want to go. I hear that you’re upset. I understand. Saying this doesn’t mean you have to change course/not make them go. It just lets them know that they are heard.
Be positive. I can’t wait to see you when I pick you up later today. (This translates as you are loved and I love spending time with you. I always come back).
