Picky eating solutions
Picky eating makes parents crazy. Whether your issue with it is food waste, nutritional concerns, lack of appreciation for the food you make…it’s a real problem that can blow up many family dinners. It’s an issue that drives a lot of frustration in the home but doesn’t have to. If you’re dealing with picky eating, and reading this then congratulations, it means you’re looking for solutions. I’m going to address four dimensions that are often part of picky eating so that hopefully you can release the pressure value a little bit.
Control the environment, not the child. This is always going to be the most peaceful way forward with the best outcomes long term. At the next meal, observe your child in their eating environment in your home? What kind of chair are they sitting in? Are the comfortable? The optimal position for eating is for them to be sitting in a chair that supports their back and their feet. Dangling feet make children feel restless and you will often see behaviors like kicking the bar under the table or another person, getting up often or climbing into your lab. When the back and feet of a child are supported their bodies can relax to eat. This is often such a simple fix, like bringing in a different chair or finding a low stool for the child to rest their feet on while eating. Also think about other environments that your child eats in, at school/daycare, a relatives house? How are they seated and how do they eat in those environments? If you are expecting your child to eat and be seated you need to make sure that you are too. Children learn through modeling. If you are in the kitchen preparing food but expecting them to be at the table-it's not going to work. Checking our own expectations is powerful and sometimes enough to shift a situations.
Reduce stress with no pressure meal times. One thing that sometimes works for families is to put out the food with at least 2 things you know the child will eat and then whatever else that is a question mark. Then if there is rejection about the food, say something like "You don't have to eat it if you don't want to." And if a child is leaving the table say, "Keep us company while we eat. We love to have you here." If they continue to reject, say, "This is what's for dinner, it's up to you to choose what you eat." Adding in choice and agency for them instead of a battle of the wills over “try it bites” is going to help everyone relax. Usually the choice helps the child to actually try the food because it conveys trust. When a child feels that you trust them and have confidence in them amazing things can happen. Just take all the pressure off (might need to do some deep breathing!!!). The first time you try this, do it with a meal that you didn’t spend hours preparing. Just something easy that is low stakes for you. Then serve something that feels higher stakes. Breath. Baby steps.
Look deeper to understand if there are physiological reasons for picky eating. Are they constipated acutely or chronically? This kind of discomfort can make a child not want to sit down. They may not have the words for the sensation yet but it is driving their behavior. Have they had enough physical movement? Are you expecting that they eat after sitting doing quiet activities? Zinc deficiencies can also lower appetite. A good doctor, dentist and myofascial therapist can check if your child has a tongue tie. Tongue ties can be a driving cause of restless behavior, picky eating, poor sleep and so many behavioral challenges children are facing. Tongue ties actually make it harder for the child to manipulate food in their mouths and chew. They are relatively easy to correct and can make a huge difference in the child’s life. I work with families to understand various physiological drivers.
Shifting your mindset is going to make the situation easier. Stop referring to your child as a “picky eater.” I know it's like a loop on repeat but how you refer to your child in your head or with others is going to reinforce the behavior. Just say instead “this is my child’s current preference.” To your child, build confidence by saying, “I see you’re learning what you like and will try new things when you’re ready.” This takes your child out of the box of “being a picky eater.” Because in their head they are thinking “mom thinks I’m a picky eater, so I must be one.”
